Category Archives: Reflective

For Better, For Worse…?

I know, I know. I’ve been a rebel on this platform…, don’t crucify me please🥺 It’s been over a year or what now, since I showed face here. I promise you, baby girl’s been grinding in the background, smashing goals and collecting some breakfast too. Got an MBA since the last time I came on here and completed my PhD coursework too. On the other hand, I just collected some breakfast this morning, got a failure notification for a sought after exam. Still better than when I collected the breakfast on my birthday last year. Btw, my 35th is in 8 days. But that’s not the point of this post. We stay grinding still.

So I was gisting with a friend a few minutes ago…about marriage. I told him my viewpoint about marriage, is that both parties should be married because they want to not because they have no option. As that’s a better way to strengthen marriage or any type of relationship for that matter.

IMO, that’s the better way to make it work because that means that each party knows they are a valued asset and can walk away at any time. They also know their partner is a valued asset, and can likewise walk away at any time, especially where respect is no longer being served. Again, IMO, this makes each partner humble in the marriage and makes them be on their ‘A’ game. Much like where a big club signs on a talented player or a global company hires a global talent. Each party is in the relationship because they want to not because they had no option. Each party therefore values the other and doesn’t take things for granted so as not to get unceremoniously dumped.

My friend initially thought my views were disturbing, but after I explained the above rationale, he understood and aligned in some way.

What do you think?

Anyway, I hope and pray to not dump my blogging for the next 1 year or more. Amen?

Best,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

On misogynistic stereotypes and living alone as a single lady in a third world country…🙄😒

So, this is 2021 people and we’re counting down to #iwd2021, yet I kid you not; the header above is still an actual thing in a third world country like Nigeria.

I mean, it grates on nerves to think that the double standards meted out to male and female children is very visible even by parents. You have a male child out of school not yet married but the parents can’t wait to boot him out of their home ‘cos well, he has to become a man and fend for himself. Yet, generally, when it’s his sister in the exact same situation, the story changes. Of course, all sorts of excuses are bandied of wanting to protect her etc. But we know the real fear, don’t we?

That a lady staying alone, would involve in all sorts of sexual orgies and cap it up by perhaps getting preggy outside wedlock, thereby soiling the family name. That’s the real fear of parents – forget all the paparazzi. That and the related issue that if the lady is known to live alone, no self-respecting family may want to marry her because she may be seen as errhmm loose and of easy virtue.

Guys, can we wake up please! What has living alone got to do with adding or subtracting from loose morals!! She who would engage in sexual orgies would – whether living alone or with her parents. After all, it’s not like her parents would be with her 24/7. Even if they were, whose business should it be, the sexual activities an adult chooses to engage in?

I lived for seven years alone as a single lady. And my life is the best for it. The career/professional/social growth/emotional maturity I garnered in that period, won’t have been gotten if I hadn’t stayed alone. And no, I did not soil my family name during the period – howsoever you may wish to interpret ‘soil.’

Guys, it’s 2021, can we please get over ourselves and let adults live their lives???

The flip side is that with freedom, comes accountability – for those that may be smiling in glee at this post. If you want trust, you must earn and not breach it.

Cheers to #iwd2021,

#ChoosetoChallenge misogynistic stereotypes

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

My Busy Mind…🤯

It’s been a roller coaster couple of weeks. What with work pressures, concern for loved ones, COVID-19 & travel restrictions/immigration concerns and societal unrest culminating in an almost inevitable mental health pressure. I believe many can relate with these…

What does one do at such times? I mean how do you keep your sanity when it seems like everything is closing in on you?

If I said I have it all figured out, I would be lying…big time 🤥 😒

At these sort of times, my palliative has been to take it one step at a time and each day as it comes, not overburden my mind with ‘what ifs.’ ‘Cos trust me, the mind can be a fragile thing and once it tips over the edge, getting back to status quo becomes that much more difficult. I speak from a wealth of experience on this🙃

Bottomline, the worries of a day are sufficient for that day in’it? Why add more worries to the day and keep yourself busy doing nothing?

One thing is clear, worry has never solved any problems. I choose to focus on what I can control and using that to influence/change the things causing worry. And I would rather spend my time busying about actively impacting my environment in the best way I can and becoming the best version of me while at it, than staying busy moping about what could have been. Or engaging in mere academic discourses.

Suggest you do same bearing in mind that if we each did our bits, we could (positively) change the world one person at a time.

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Don’t Burn Bridges

‘Hey! I don’t need this bridge no more, so who cares if it goes up in blazes!’ You say…

But not too fast, who says never say never, huh!

Granted, we cannot say ‘yes’ to everyone and everything at the same time – it’s why there is such a thing as opportunity cost in economics. But then, we can say ‘no’ without making enemies – it’s why there is such a thing called emotional intelligence.

At a point in time, I had two job opportunities – both great opportunities by the way – a dream come true for most. But here’s the snag, I couldn’t take up both opportunities at the same time; I had to disappoint one organisation. Here was my dilemma – how to say ‘no’ without making enemies.

Of course, I could just say ‘no’ and move on. But because I knew I may be needing the rejected one later in life, I had to be creative about how I said the ‘no’ so it did not become a personal vendetta.

The thing is, in this thing called life, you often cannot get divorced from having a roller coaster ride or coming back full circle even at the most inopportune times. Hence, wisdom is key.

I kid you not, I spent a number of sleepless nights ruminating on how to say this ‘no’ even engaging with about three very senior persons in the know and of course my personal ‘yard’ people on how to go about it.

In the end, the ‘no’ was said – feelings were hurt and maybe one or two silent enemies made. But then, I tried to say the ‘no’ in such a way that there were very viable reasons behind the ‘no’ which could not be faulted. I also retained many of my senior friends in the process.

Kinda reminds me of when I need to say ‘no’ to le hubs. I mean I could very easily tell him to go to hell, but then ‘who e epp’ when he gets pissed? So I often think of how to couch my ‘no’ in a way that doesn’t alienate him – which in turn also impresses on him the manner in which to tell me ‘no’ in a respectful way.

You see in this life, choose your battles; don’t burn bridges if you can help it. Emotional intelligence is key and wisdom is supreme!

Cheerio,

Hugs,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Don’t Panic!

Easy for you to say…you may scoff under your breath at the topic. Well, the truth is everyone has at one time or the other had a bout of panic attack. My point with the topic is that panic often paralyses us from dissecting and distilling issues properly. As such, we should be intentional about avoiding if even if we come up short once in a while.

I mention come up short because even I who tries to be intentional about not giving in to panic still had a panic attack of sorts a few days ago when my deliverable timeline was looming, yet my materials were not ready…But that’s not really the point of this post.

You see, about three years ago, a few of my colleagues and I enrolled for an international tax certification. I had my first shot at one of the courses and failed. Again, panic attack in retrospect. I had thought the questions to be so difficult that I got disorganised in my time planning. By the time I got to the last question which was to take about 45 mins to answer and discovered I could actually answer it relatively easily, I had just 5 mins to ‘pens up.’ Failed the course by 2 marks. Of course, I immediately gave myself a self-motivational speech on the power of 1 or 2 marks. *laughs.

Anyways, teeth gritted, I re-enrolled for that course and did my darn best to prepare, re-wrote the exam and it was a breeze or so I thought…

But when the results were released, I did not see my name in the pass list. Panic and depression mode set in. You see I did not even contemplate that there could have been some logistics issues. In my head, I had bungled the exam yet again and perhaps wasn’t any good after all.

I got talking to one of my colleagues who also took the exam and boy! I loved her spirit. She did not see her name in the pass list too but immediately said that she was sure that there was some mistake somewhere ‘cos she knew what she wrote in the exam. See confidence…! But, could she be right? I wondered. Well, being the oldest in the pack, I took it upon myself to reach out to the examiners. After all, s/he who is already down need fear no fall in’it?

Bingo! We found out our results were withheld without any notification to us on the mistaken belief that we had not paid our exam fees. Of course, we provided evidence of this and our results were released. My confident colleague and I both passed our exams.

You see, my panic mode had prevented me from seeing this glimmer of hope and but for my more confident younger colleague, I may have been shattered into thinking I was no good, either giving up the exams outright or perhaps re-enrolling for yet another retake.

Bottomline, don’t panic.

Oh by the way, I now have the international tax certification😍

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Feeling Useless? You may only need to change your Approach!

I recall a research paper I once wrote as part of the requirements to clinch an international tax certification. I was so sure the paper was top notch or a ‘banger’ in informal lingua. After waiting for about four months for the verdict, I received an email regretting to inform me that the research effort was not up to standard. I was advised to consider revising the paper and re-submitting. That I was crushed, is an understatement!

After overcoming the initial denial *laughs,* I revisited the assessor’s comments and found that I could address most of them by simply re-adjusting the title of my research paper to fit ‘perfectly’ with the existing contents. Of course, I had to make a few tweaks to the contents too but the big deal was really in revising my topic. This was not stated as part of the suggestions for improving the contents but to be honest, I was so inundated with several other assignments that I was willing to clutch at straws after bouncing the idea off le hubz to test viability. After all s/he who is already down need fear no fall ‘innit?’

I applied for the topic revision, it was granted, I tweaked the contents and submitted the research paper. It was a ‘banger’ and I obtained the coveted certification.

To prove this theory, I have applied it on other occasions with successful results.

Bottomline – sometimes the solution to that ‘big’ problem is merely a change of approach. The problem itself does not make you an abysmal failure. Rather, it should bring to bear your innovative prowess if you can only rise up from that self-pity!

Cheers to thinking out of the box.

-Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Don’t Hoard Your Light🌞🔥

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle. What does this mean? Is it enough for you to shine without imparting others? I have a little painful story to share on this that turned out sweetly in the end…

At a point in my life, I was looking for some facelift in my endeavours and came across an opportunity with one slot. An acquaintance was also vying for the slot but you see, I had a bit more of an insider knowledge.

Well, I shared my insider knowledge with this acquaintance and being otherwise more experienced, my acquaintance got the slot, not me. I didn’t know whether to be pained or grateful for helping out. I mentally shrugged my shoulders and moved on…

Some while later, the books of records were opened and I ended up getting a juicier deal than I would have gotten if things had worked out fine for me initially.

Bottom line. Don’t hoard your light ‘cos what goes around surely does come around. What is yours will be yours, though it may tarry, it will surely get delivered to your doorstep.

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Watch It!

You know how they say be careful who you meet while up ‘cos you never know if you may need them on your way down? Well, I’ve had a bit of experience on that.

So at some point, I had to work in a team with someone older and more experienced. We got along just fine until one day when I had a bad day and usually good natured me responded to some attitude showing from this fellow by a corresponding display of attitude.

Well, I initially felt justified but then the good girl in me became remorseful and I apologised. My apology was accepted.

Fast forward a little while later, by some twist of fate, my senior colleague became my boss. Imagine what would have happened if I had not made peace when I had a chance…

Your guess is as good as mine. Enough said. We should just Watch It!

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Life is such a Paradox!

Strange but true, is an off the cuff meaning of ‘paradox.’ For instance, what does the phrase, ‘married virgin’ bring to mind? A married person who has never had sexual relations? Did I hear someone scoff, ‘the heck!’ Or perhaps a married person who is so green behind the ears in the marital journey and all it entails, that the description ‘virgin’ seems apt?

Regardless of your views, do you now see how one phrase can be so paradoxical and capable of multiple interpretations?

Join me on this ride as I capture some experiences – personal and observed – in the daily strive to unravel this paradox called life.

Will I succeed?

Who knows?

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Should You Ignore the Opinions of Others?

Be it at home, in school, at work, in religious settings or other social gatherings, a constant feature is that we have to interact with other persons, the variable being in the degree of interaction.

Just as preferences of persons differ, so also would different persons have different and sometimes diametrically opposed opinions of you. The real question is, should you navigate through life without giving a hoot about what others think of you? After all, it’s been said that you can’t control what others think of/about you init?

However, if you really think about it, you will find that you really can influence what others think about you by your words, actions or inactions. After all, even the most notorious criminal has those who think fondly of him/her and this cannot be divorced from the perceived treatment gotten by those with the differing opinions.

But should worry about what others would think of/about you prevent you from calling them out when need be? In my opinion, no, once it is done respectfully because believe it or not, some persons do not appreciate ass-kissers or patronisers who only tell them what they think would like to be heard. Windy right?

There’s nonetheless always that balance  between saying what you regard as the truth and saying it in a non-belittling manner. That balance needs to be carefully maintained.

So no, we should not ignore the opinions of others but neither should we suck up to them or shy away from calling them out when the need arises, for fear of being regarded in non-glowing terms.

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com