Give up your financial security for love – who does that!?🤯🤥

Hey! Hold your gun powder ok? Ain’t here to judge…just wanted to ehrrm, grab your attention with that header😉

So on to the business of this post. Should you give up your financial security for love? What are the drivers? What are the considerations? Sorry darla, only you can answer those questions, not me. Surprised by my bluntness?

Thing is, there are no right or wrong answers to this one. This is a question of what works for A may not work for B. You see, in this thing called life, there are a few definite boundaries on issues and a lot of grey areas in between with room for flexibility. I mean, I was in a convo with female cohorts at work the other day and the discussion turned on precisely this issue. As you can imagine, this is a dilemma faced more by women than men especially when married. Ask me how?

Generally, when a man wants to make a career or financial decision that requires relocation for instance, his family constraints are not so much a biggie. Not saying they are not important – mind you. After all, many a man would tell you that their family is their number one priority. Where your treasure is your heart would be in’it? But the fact is that society expects the family to up and follow the man wherever he chooses. Not so for the woman. The woman cannot move with such ease especially where children are involved. As society’s primary caregiver, there are issues around their schooling and the likes to consider. I won’t be cheeky and add that ‘never mind that the children belong to both her and hubby not just her – perhaps moreso the hubby since they bear his name not hers’ Anyway, I digress.

Ordinarily, it should be a no brainer for the woman to sacrifice career for family. But when it’s a high paying career – perhaps even higher paying than hubby’s – it’s no longer as clear cut. See? A lot of grey areas in life sho get? So this cohort were exactly in this position so the answer wasn’t so easy. Some said they would sacrifice career. Some said they would only if they got a good or better career elsewhere. Some bluntly said they won’t ‘cos their financial security is important to you know, avoid yeye that smell.

I bet some that may be quick to judge anyone who refuses to sacrifice financial security for love may pause for a second, when the financial stakes in question are very high. Just drives home the point that we should not be too quick to judge another before we walk in their shoes. Also brings to bear that the person who may be said to have done the right thing, may only have done so because it was very convenient to do so – e.g because there was either no job or a there was only a low paying job to consider. If such person had a high paying job, a different decision may have been made by such person.

Don’t forget – the value of decisions are appreciated when the stakes are very high.

So would you give up your financial security for love?

Ultimately, this is an issue of ‘to each their own.’ As I always say, whatever you decide, own it with your full chest. It’s one of the benefits of adulthood – personal accountability. But it would be wise to consult with your partner before deciding sha.

Cheers,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Dear Feminist – what if I told you it’s pro-feminist to change your surname to your husband’s own?😉🤥

E shock you?😁

Caveat: Fairly long post.

So I suppose you may have been expecting me to refer to ‘your maiden name’ in the header rather than ‘your surname?’ That’s the point, it’s still your surname even if you choose to change it to hubby’s own. Like the records are clear to see. Including the most foundational of all – your birth certificate. Same way your marriage certificate lays the foundation to change your birth surname to your husband’s surname. This is assuming you wanted to eventually shirk hubby’s surname and go back to your birth surname. It may just take ‘swearing’ to an affidavit, making a newspaper pub and maybe a few fights with nosey third parties like your bankers. But I digress as that’s not the point of this write up…

So I know feminism sometimes is about ‘I shan’t gree‘ and belligerently proving a point. But it should not always be because wisdom has always been profitable to direct. Besides, who says you cannot achieve your aim without making noise? Consider Princess Meghan of the Prince Harry dynasty. Imagine she had played the feminist card – even though we all know she was self-accomplished ergo justified to do so – and refused to move to be with Prince Harry after marriage. Honestly, the media backlash on the rights and wrongs of her decision would have been a bit too much and distracting for the family. Besides, without that ‘submissive’ move would her Prince have been resolute to drop all his vestiges of royalty and relocate to Canada? We may never know the true instigator of that move. But bottomline, it pays to stoop to conquer as Meghan Markle did. Anyways…

So, the common resistance of feminists against name change is that ‘Oooo, I don’t wanna change the identity I have known for years all because of marriage.’ ‘I am already well know by that name’ etc. But perhaps, in making such assertions, they overlook the little issue that no one can ever remove your accomplishments from you simply because you changed your surname.

Have you considered that by building social capital with your husband’s surname, you are helping him to build his empire which is what marriage should really be about in’it? Building together.

Besides, if you are like me, that loves the idea of having another alias – you get the best of both worlds. Known by your birth surname in some quarters and by a new identity in others. Until people catch on…after a while. But it just drives home the point that people get to associate you with your husband’s surname without taking away the social capital you have built with your birth surname. I won’t say I am endorsing having a split personality but hey – for argument’s sake.

And yes, we all know it is a thing of pride and an ego boost for hubby when you start using his surname. Yea, I know many millennial men would say it doesn’t matter but darling – he’s lying! Especially when you are a woman of extreme value. It’s an add-on for him and helps his name to blow more. You, just change your surname to his and watch his unveiled excitement when he realises it. And you know the thing with happy husbands, you can press their mumu buttons easily – if you were into all that. Now, how is that not a win for whatever feminist tendencies you may have?

Name change helps your new family integration – married remember? You committed to leave and cleave remember? Need I say more on this? Besides, you don’t want hubby self-reflecting that perhaps if he had a Dangote-type name, you would have heartily changed your surname to his to curry favour with the name. This can trigger subconscious resentment that how different are you from a gold digger? Darling, it’s not wise to trigger resentment in hubby. In life, sensibly choose your battles.

Being a feminist or even a self-accomplished woman – particularly if you are vocal, is even a double edged sword. I kid you not, hubby and his clan would be watching your moves closely even if they say nothing. It’s very possible that because you are seen as a feminist, if you fail to do this simple rite of passage after marriage i.e name change, you would be seen as too difficult and they may subconsciously want to show you pepper. Never mind that if you were an obscure woman who simply failed to change her birth surname to hubby’s own, they may not think anything of it.

One of the more mundane reasons to change your surname to husband’s surname is to avoid having to shalaye to nosey in-laws and friends who bug you about why you haven’t changed it. Frankly, this was the least inspiring reason for me and I could probably have refused to change the name just to prove a point to people – in-laws inclusive – to mind their dang business. But hey, this is Nigeria and we know the standards society tries to impose on women. Anyways, this is probably not a consideration for a feminist.

So, what if you’ve changed your surname to hubby’s and he annoys you supremely? Do you need a constant reminder such as his surname to show you are yoked to him? Well, when your parents annoy you supremely, do you change your birth surname?! Next question please!

What are your options in doing this name change sef – let’s even say you are interested?

  1. You could opt to change your surname on social media fully to husband’s own without indicating birth surname: If you are into the split personality thing I mentioned earlier, this is attractive.
  2. You could change your surname on social media to husband’s own and indicate your birth surname: If you are worried about loss of identity, you could opt for this as any search with your birth surname would lead searchers to your new identity.

You could opt to do points 1 or 2 above without changing your birth surname legally. Not sure many men would like this but at least it’s better than nothing. The whole world knows your new identity and nosey in-laws and others can go to rest. After all, there’s absolutely no reason they should see your legal documents, to know you have only made a change in form but not in substance🤥🙃

In addition to either point 1 or 2 above:

3. You can choose to change your birth surname to your husband’s surname in your legal documents. The most straight forward change would be for your bank accounts when you provide your marriage certificate and (for oversabi banks) change of name affidavit + newspaper publication of name change. If you are still undecided as to whether you are ready to take this drastic plunge – for your government IDs like driver’s licence, national ID card and international passport – you could wait till the expiration window of the current IDs and then decide if you wanna change the surname upon renewal or maintain status quo. If you choose status quo, rest assured, no one can beat you – not even your hubby😉

4. You can choose to use a double barrelled surname i.e. your birth surname hyphen (-) your husband’s surname. Similar cycle with point 3 above. Would only add that you should talk to hubby before toeing that path to be sure he’s down with the idea. Mine was open to me retaining my birth surname but insisted that if I wanted to change to his, there would be no double barrel. A double barrel with my birth surname and his is not pleasing to the eyes or ears anyways so I wasn’t even inclined to argue that with him (choose your battles remember?). Anyway, the point is discuss with him first and don’t just assume.

How can you change your birth surname to your husband’s surname? In some cases, all you need is your marriage certificate, some would also request for an affidavit of name change (you can get this done at a court registry or by a notary public) while some overzealous ones would also request for a newspaper publication reflecting the name change.

What if God forbid, the marriage ends? Are you stuck with his surname for life? Your choice. You can retain it for life and he can’t even force you to drop it. Or you can go back to your birth surname.

Bottomline, it’s all your decision to make, and whatever you choose, own it with your full chest. But IMO, you have more to gain than lose in changing your birth surname to your husband’s own post-marriage even as a feminist.

Happy Val’s btw.

Best,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

The Paradox of Time⏰⏳

A paradox is something that sounds strange but is true…nkan be as is said in Yoruba land in Nigeria. In the case of time, there are quite a bit of paradoxical facts about it. Brian Tracy muses that, ‘time management is a vehicle to take you from wherever you are to wherever you want to go.’

With that in mind, here are some sobering facts about time:

  • Everyone is getting older by the second. Time waits for no one;
  • An often inevitable way to be late is to have plenty time;
  • Time is indispensable…every action requires time;
  • Time is perishable, you cannot save it;
  • Time is consumable, you can only spend it;
  • Time is irreplaceable, you can never bring back time;
  • Time is sufficient…you have all the time you need. It depends on how you use it;
  • You cannot manage time, you can only manage yourself;
  • Generally, only about 20% of what you do daily accounts for 80% of the value for that day.

As Shakespeare says...’better three hours too soon than one minute too late.’ Every second counts – in life, one tenth of a second could be the difference between success and failure. In the Women’s 100m final race – Barcelona 1992, the difference between the winner and 5th position was 0.05 seconds.

Ultimately, time management is life management. As we say in Nigeria, time na money…if you waste time, you squander money. Time wasted is opportunity wasted. So, schedule your priorities not your preferences and make adjustments for interruptions. As a colleague put it, ‘there’s no need catching butterflies when there’s a hippopotamus in the room.’ Identify your most productive time then do your most productive tasks at that time. Be strong to say no and let your money work for you as applicable to free up some time for more important tasks.

The key is not to prioritise what’s on your schedule, it is to schedule your priorities.

So help even me!

Cheers,

Fola👩🏽‍⚖️

*image credit: http://www.google.com

My Busy Mind…🤯

It’s been a roller coaster couple of weeks. What with work pressures, concern for loved ones, COVID-19 & travel restrictions/immigration concerns and societal unrest culminating in an almost inevitable mental health pressure. I believe many can relate with these…

What does one do at such times? I mean how do you keep your sanity when it seems like everything is closing in on you?

If I said I have it all figured out, I would be lying…big time 🤥 😒

At these sort of times, my palliative has been to take it one step at a time and each day as it comes, not overburden my mind with ‘what ifs.’ ‘Cos trust me, the mind can be a fragile thing and once it tips over the edge, getting back to status quo becomes that much more difficult. I speak from a wealth of experience on this🙃

Bottomline, the worries of a day are sufficient for that day in’it? Why add more worries to the day and keep yourself busy doing nothing?

One thing is clear, worry has never solved any problems. I choose to focus on what I can control and using that to influence/change the things causing worry. And I would rather spend my time busying about actively impacting my environment in the best way I can and becoming the best version of me while at it, than staying busy moping about what could have been. Or engaging in mere academic discourses.

Suggest you do same bearing in mind that if we each did our bits, we could (positively) change the world one person at a time.

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

The Beauty of Strategy

Away from the #endpolicebrutality convos for a minute…

Guess what? In the workplace, strategy is a growth enabler. Not manipulation, mind you *side eye. I see strategy as arranging the pack of cards which fate has dealt you with in a way that projects you in the best possible light or gives you the best possible results. What do I mean? Let me illustrate…

At some point, I wanted to upgrade my membership status for one of the professional organisations I belong to. One of the requirements was to have at least three years experience – and on an ongoing basis – as a senior manager. Well, I had the three years management experience quite alright. But you see I changed roles and my new role though infinitely more managerial, did not have a managerial sound. Dilemma.

Since I wasn’t gonna be given an opportunity to explain myself when the council was considering applications, I had to think up a solution. I recalled that I had a dormant partnership position in a family firm all along which spanned way more than three years and had not been terminated at the time. So, I’m sure you know what I did? I used that as one of my roles with the revered sounding ‘partner’ and supporting documentation as testament to my ongoing senior management role.

Suffice to say, I clinched the upgrade. I could go on and on about several other similar tales. But let me not bore you☺️

Generally, if we would just look beyond our temporary misfortunes, we can think up legal avenues to turn a seeming disadvantage into an overwhelming advantage. It’s pretty much a case of what can you do with what is in your hands? Or better still, choosing to see the same glass as half full rather than half empty.

Use strategy to turn your threats to opportunities and blaze a trail!💫🌟✨⚡️

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Forgiveness🧚🏽‍♀️👼🏽🙏🏽

To err is human but to forgive is divine’ – I bet we’ve all heard variations of this statement at one point or the other in our lives. But how easy is it to implement you may ask? After all, the taste of the pudding is in the eating not the looks of it in’it?

There really is no easy way around it because when the heart is hurt, like a wounded tiger, it only wants to inflict pain back to the source of the hurt. After all ‘do me I do you, God no go vex’ abi. You may be justified in revenge but to what end?

Bear in mind that the issue of forgiveness generally comes in for dealings with persons who are close to our hearts ‘cos it’s s/he who is close, who we have come to expect so much from that can hurt us. Hurt in this sense being different from plain old anger at a display of ‘stupidity’ from a random acquaintance. Most times tho’, our hurt (with our close person) is mixed with anger. What a deadly combo!

I’ve come to find that a heartfelt apology from s/he who causes the hurt relieves the heart pain till it eventually disappears. Remember the thing about ‘a soft answer turning away anger’ abi?

What then if the apology is not forthcoming, would you be justified in refusing to forgive? Perhaps, but then again, ‘to what end?’ Is it worth your loss of sleep or loss of peace? I guess at such times, you then really need to put yourself in the other’s shoes to find out if the person also lashed out at some hurt you caused him/her. Communication to understand each other’s viewpoints helps. Remember, you guys are supposedly close so even if the communication lines are now jagged, they were once straight – so leverage on that. Also bear in mind, that the real bone of contention may really be about misunderstanding each other’s intents which is why sounding out each other’s viewpoints is key.

Bottom line, seek to understand first and keep your ego aside while at it. Remember this person is or was your close friend. Of course, you are within your rights to call it quits and move on because any type of friendship/relationship is really not by force. However, you should consider calling it quits only where the person makes it clear s/he is not willing to repair the relationship in spite of your honest and best efforts. Also bear in mind that the journey to recovery for one or you both may be painfully slow. That is understandable. The key point is mutuality not necessarily equality of efforts. Remember, you both are not grace mates, so forgiveness may come easier to one person than the other.

If truly, the fellow was once your homey, you have a responsibility to make an effort to mend the bridge and when there is earnest contrition on your homey’s part, let go and let God. The icing on the cake is that forgiveness also accelerates your own healing and perhaps, you both can end up better and stronger together. Now, this is another mystery of forgiveness, because to err is human but to forgive is divine.

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Why Emotional Intelligence is ‘Lit’💥💫

I suppose by now, we’ve all come to terms with the fact that in this life, we cannot avoid interacting with people – both the pleasant and the boorish. That being the case, we may also have realised that just as with work, we require skills to navigate the uncertain waters of human relations.

That’s where possessing emotional intelligence comes in.

To my mind, emotional intelligence is just a fancy word for wisdom and we may have heard that wisdom is key right? Emotional intelligence is what enables us to season our words with grace or diplomacy before speaking them. It also enables us to know when to be assertive and firm. Sort of like knowing the right dosage of medication to apply to the same illness in different persons taking cognisance of their body mass and peculiar genetic situations…a real science in’it? What you say to Mr. X to get him to do your bidding is not necessarily what you say to Ms. Y to get her to do your bidding on that same thing. That’s why we all need emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence requires an awareness of self and an awareness of one’s environment (including the people in it) amongst others.

You see ehn, you do not conquer everything in this life only by book knowledge and the fact that you are the most educated person. There are softer skills everyone needs to triumph in life and emotional intelligence happens to be one of them.

Now you see why wisdom is key ergo emotional intelligence is ‘lit.’

So, if lacking, go get you some.

Cheers,

Adefolake

image credit: http://www.google.com

Negotiating Your Way Out of Unfavourable Situations

Chances are that whatever your station in life or gender is, you have had to negotiate your way out of one unfavourable situation or the other. If for some unlikely reason you haven’t, I assure you that this is one test of wits you cannot escape as long as you are a living being.

So, how does one meander one’s way out of sticky situations?

Well, I would be lying if I told you I had a quick fix, one-size-fits-all answer😁But there are principles I have applied personally which have worked for me – whether at work or at home.

One principle I know does not work is arguing because then, chances are that there would be a clash of egos and if only to ‘save face’ at that moment, your counter party may not agree with you and do your bidding.

So I seek first to understand the person’s view by putting myself in his or her shoes. I even ask hypothetical questions/paint scenarios that reflect his/her thinking. Then, because there are always at least two sides to a story, I also present the alternative scenario to get the person to wear my own shoes and understand my perspective.

Does it always work? Well many times, the counter party at least listens and considers my view point. Will s/he do my bidding? Sometimes but not always. But at least we can converse like adults and take an informed rather than a pure egoistic decision. Of course sometimes too, after considering my counter party’s view, I also shift ground from mine.

You see, this life is give and take. Ultimately, bear in mind that you can’t avoid negotiating your way through life also noting that you would always lose 100% of the chances that you do not take.

Cheers.

Best,

Adefolake

*image credit: http://www.google.com