Category Archives: The Submissive ‘Feminist’

Throwback to when I misplaced my wedding gown…for one month🤦🏾‍♀️

I’m glad I can laugh and blog about this now, ‘cos it wasn’t even funny at the time.

This is how the story goes…

After the fanfare of the wedding ceremonies, I was eager to get out of the pretty but uncomfortable gown while hubz was having a field day catching up with his hommies. Time finally came to get out of my wedding gown and I packed it away. After all, I won’t be wearing it again. In fact, the thought of spending so much on a gown to be worn for just a few hours and never again, tempted me to want to rent a gown to use. But the snag was, I was sentimental about wanting a new gown ‘cos well, I’m new too. Story for another day. Anyways, Mr. O. – le hubz, gave me the funds to buy the gown. My champ🥰

Time to check out from the hotel to our place came and my darling aburo (meaning younger sibling) came around to help stow away heavy load so we could travel light. Yea, we had to ‘bolt’ our way home ‘cos our car chose that wedding period to misbehave. Story for another day too.

So gown packed, I handed the gown to my aburo to keep with my parents and bolted with Mr. O. to our home without any thought. I had initially wanted to pick up the gown at my parents’ after our church thanksgiving a few days later to dry-clean and stow away but then I thought…what’s the hurry? There kuku still wasn’t any private car of ours to use.

Thanksgiving came. We went to my parents’ to greet them and headed back to our place. I didn’t even bother to check on my darling wedding gown while there.

One month down the line, car had finally gotten repaired – gulped a very tidy sum🙄 – I went to my parents’ to pack my wedding gown and other personal effects. I didn’t find the gown in my room. No worries, I thought; it must be in my former room or aburo’s room. Surprise! checked there. Nowhere to be found. We checked all the nooks and crannies in the house. No show. I began to wonder whether the gown was so small – like me – as to be easily non-conspicuous.

No jokes, it started getting not funny. ‘Cos you see, we live in a superstitious society where the common belief is that people wish to do you bad at iconic events like wedding days – especially if they can lay hold of the groom’s traditional wedding cap or the bride’s wedding gown. Sigh. I’m generally not a careless person, so this was a bit huge. How could I have been so absent minded as to not notice my wedding gown was missing for one whole month. No, it had nothing to do with the starry eyedness of wedding night paroles. There was kuku none in my case ‘cos monthly hormones had a mind of their own. Another story for another day – maybe.

At this point, my mum was getting a bit worried – cos superstitions. My aburo was getting a bit worried ‘cos the gown was left in their care. Mr. O was not particularly worried ‘cos we can tackle any superstitions spiritually. For him, it was more of smh that I could get so carried away with the festivities as to not pay attention to the little details of my wedding gown whereabouts. Couldn’t even roll my eyes that sebi I wanted to pick the gown a few days after the ceremonies but the steer was why the rush? It was our problem and we had to solve it.

Then we think to ourselves, ‘could we have left the wedding gown in the hotel?‘ ‘It’s not possible’ – we say. We saw the gown when my aburo kept it in the car that day. But for whatever it’s worth, my aburo calls the hotel and voila! There the gown was, sitting in its majestic glory for one month. Apparently, while arranging the car on our checkout day, the wedding gown had been placed on the floor beside the car and forgotten there. The hotel staff, took it in and kept in a safe place. Don’t even ask me how it is that the hotel didn’t think to call. Instead the issue, is how could I not have fathomed, for a whole one month that my wedding gown was not on my bed in my parents’ house.

Anyway, I’m glad the wedding gown was found in one piece. At least one less prayer point to have to kabash about not letting wicked village people get hands on the wedding gown and do us dirty.

The wedding gown’s now dry-cleaned and sitting pretty, without a care in the world.

Cheers,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Transferred Aggression: are you a bossy boss?😡🥵

I was in a ‘situation’ once where I was in a meeting representing one sub-unit and another team member in another sub-unit was to be at this meeting too. This team member’s input was crucial to discussions at the meeting. But due to high stakes involved, this team member was pulled in several directions and could not attend the meeting.

Well, some hurried update was provided by this team member elsewhere which I explained to the bosses at this meeting. But, the overall boss was not happy that this team member was not present at this meeting. And guess who got the heat? Me.

Sure, the boss knew this wasn’t my stream of activity and I also did not want to point out the obvious so it won’t seem like I’m throwing my team member under the bus and ergo a poor team player. I listened through the transferred aggression, pacifying the boss while inwardly seething. ‘Cos I did flag to this team member the cruciality of their presence at this meeting but this team member being pressured themselves, simply could not be bothered to attend.

The situation reminds me of what happens in homes as well. The boss of the home aka the husband, faces pressures in the office or from extended family expenses and comes home to transfer the aggression from those pressures to the wife and children at home like they are the cause of his frustration. Let’s do better please. I have had reason to call out my own ‘boss’ on this trend too. ‘Cos I mean, I couldn’t have faced it as a child and now face it as a wife. Ko jor!

Anyway, with my office ‘situation’, my learning was that I do not have to make myself available for meetings where my presence is not necessary – never mind whether my colleague who is the crucial part of that meeting chooses not to show up for that meeting. So I simply told the meeting organiser afterwards, to send me a meeting invite only when my input as an SME (subject matter expert) in my realm of work is required. Till then, everyone should answer to their father’s name.

A o ni soo’re daran o (we won’t do good to our detriment o).

Cheers,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

On misogynistic stereotypes and living alone as a single lady in a third world country…🙄😒

So, this is 2021 people and we’re counting down to #iwd2021, yet I kid you not; the header above is still an actual thing in a third world country like Nigeria.

I mean, it grates on nerves to think that the double standards meted out to male and female children is very visible even by parents. You have a male child out of school not yet married but the parents can’t wait to boot him out of their home ‘cos well, he has to become a man and fend for himself. Yet, generally, when it’s his sister in the exact same situation, the story changes. Of course, all sorts of excuses are bandied of wanting to protect her etc. But we know the real fear, don’t we?

That a lady staying alone, would involve in all sorts of sexual orgies and cap it up by perhaps getting preggy outside wedlock, thereby soiling the family name. That’s the real fear of parents – forget all the paparazzi. That and the related issue that if the lady is known to live alone, no self-respecting family may want to marry her because she may be seen as errhmm loose and of easy virtue.

Guys, can we wake up please! What has living alone got to do with adding or subtracting from loose morals!! She who would engage in sexual orgies would – whether living alone or with her parents. After all, it’s not like her parents would be with her 24/7. Even if they were, whose business should it be, the sexual activities an adult chooses to engage in?

I lived for seven years alone as a single lady. And my life is the best for it. The career/professional/social growth/emotional maturity I garnered in that period, won’t have been gotten if I hadn’t stayed alone. And no, I did not soil my family name during the period – howsoever you may wish to interpret ‘soil.’

Guys, it’s 2021, can we please get over ourselves and let adults live their lives???

The flip side is that with freedom, comes accountability – for those that may be smiling in glee at this post. If you want trust, you must earn and not breach it.

Cheers to #iwd2021,

#ChoosetoChallenge misogynistic stereotypes

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Give up your financial security for love – who does that!?🤯🤥

Hey! Hold your gun powder ok? Ain’t here to judge…just wanted to ehrrm, grab your attention with that header😉

So on to the business of this post. Should you give up your financial security for love? What are the drivers? What are the considerations? Sorry darla, only you can answer those questions, not me. Surprised by my bluntness?

Thing is, there are no right or wrong answers to this one. This is a question of what works for A may not work for B. You see, in this thing called life, there are a few definite boundaries on issues and a lot of grey areas in between with room for flexibility. I mean, I was in a convo with female cohorts at work the other day and the discussion turned on precisely this issue. As you can imagine, this is a dilemma faced more by women than men especially when married. Ask me how?

Generally, when a man wants to make a career or financial decision that requires relocation for instance, his family constraints are not so much a biggie. Not saying they are not important – mind you. After all, many a man would tell you that their family is their number one priority. Where your treasure is your heart would be in’it? But the fact is that society expects the family to up and follow the man wherever he chooses. Not so for the woman. The woman cannot move with such ease especially where children are involved. As society’s primary caregiver, there are issues around their schooling and the likes to consider. I won’t be cheeky and add that ‘never mind that the children belong to both her and hubby not just her – perhaps moreso the hubby since they bear his name not hers’ Anyway, I digress.

Ordinarily, it should be a no brainer for the woman to sacrifice career for family. But when it’s a high paying career – perhaps even higher paying than hubby’s – it’s no longer as clear cut. See? A lot of grey areas in life sho get? So this cohort were exactly in this position so the answer wasn’t so easy. Some said they would sacrifice career. Some said they would, only if they got a good or better career elsewhere. Some bluntly said they won’t ‘cos their financial security is important to you know, avoid yeye that smell.

I bet some that may be quick to judge anyone who refuses to sacrifice financial security for love may pause for a second, when the financial stakes in question are very high. Just drives home the point that we should not be too quick to judge another before we walk in their shoes. Also brings to bear that the person who may be said to have done the right thing, may only have done so because it was very convenient to do so – e.g because there was either no job or a there was only a low paying job to consider. If such person had a high paying job, a different decision may have been made by such person.

Don’t forget – the value of decisions are appreciated when the stakes are very high.

So would you give up your financial security for love?

Ultimately, this is an issue of ‘to each their own.’ As I always say, whatever you decide, own it with your full chest. It’s one of the benefits of adulthood – personal accountability. But it would be wise to consult with your partner before deciding sha.

Cheers,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com

Dear Feminist – what if I told you it’s pro-feminist to change your surname to your husband’s own?😉🤥

E shock you?😁

Caveat: Fairly long post.

So I suppose you may have been expecting me to refer to ‘your maiden name’ in the header rather than ‘your surname?’ That’s the point, it’s still your surname even if you choose to change it to hubby’s own. Like the records are clear to see. Including the most foundational of all – your birth certificate. Same way your marriage certificate lays the foundation to change your birth surname to your husband’s surname. This is assuming you wanted to eventually shirk hubby’s surname and go back to your birth surname. It may just take ‘swearing’ to an affidavit, making a newspaper pub and maybe a few fights with nosey third parties like your bankers. But I digress as that’s not the point of this write up…

So I know feminism sometimes is about ‘I shan’t gree‘ and belligerently proving a point. But it should not always be because wisdom has always been profitable to direct. Besides, who says you cannot achieve your aim without making noise? Consider Princess Meghan of the Prince Harry dynasty. Imagine she had played the feminist card – even though we all know she was self-accomplished ergo justified to do so – and refused to move to be with Prince Harry after marriage. Honestly, the media backlash on the rights and wrongs of her decision would have been a bit too much and distracting for the family. Besides, without that ‘submissive’ move would her Prince have been resolute to drop all his vestiges of royalty and relocate to Canada? We may never know the true instigator of that move. But bottomline, it pays to stoop to conquer as Meghan Markle did. Anyways…

So, the common resistance of feminists against name change is that ‘Oooo, I don’t wanna change the identity I have known for years all because of marriage.’ ‘I am already well know by that name’ etc. But perhaps, in making such assertions, they overlook the little issue that no one can ever remove your accomplishments from you simply because you changed your surname.

Have you considered that by building social capital with your husband’s surname, you are helping him to build his empire which is what marriage should really be about in’it? Building together.

Besides, if you are like me, that loves the idea of having another alias – you get the best of both worlds. Known by your birth surname in some quarters and by a new identity in others. Until people catch on…after a while. But it just drives home the point that people get to associate you with your husband’s surname without taking away the social capital you have built with your birth surname. I won’t say I am endorsing having a split personality but hey – for argument’s sake.

And yes, we all know it is a thing of pride and an ego boost for hubby when you start using his surname. Yea, I know many millennial men would say it doesn’t matter but darling – he’s lying! Especially when you are a woman of extreme value. It’s an add-on for him and helps his name to blow more. You, just change your surname to his and watch his unveiled excitement when he realises it. And you know the thing with happy husbands, you can press their mumu buttons easily – if you were into all that. Now, how is that not a win for whatever feminist tendencies you may have?

Name change helps your new family integration – married remember? You committed to leave and cleave remember? Need I say more on this? Besides, you don’t want hubby self-reflecting that perhaps if he had a Dangote-type name, you would have heartily changed your surname to his to curry favour with the name. This can trigger subconscious resentment that how different are you from a gold digger? Darling, it’s not wise to trigger resentment in hubby. In life, sensibly choose your battles.

Being a feminist or even a self-accomplished woman – particularly if you are vocal, is even a double edged sword. I kid you not, hubby and his clan would be watching your moves closely even if they say nothing. It’s very possible that because you are seen as a feminist, if you fail to do this simple rite of passage after marriage i.e name change, you would be seen as too difficult and they may subconsciously want to show you pepper. Never mind that if you were an obscure woman who simply failed to change her birth surname to hubby’s own, they may not think anything of it.

One of the more mundane reasons to change your surname to husband’s surname is to avoid having to shalaye to nosey in-laws and friends who bug you about why you haven’t changed it. Frankly, this was the least inspiring reason for me and I could probably have refused to change the name just to prove a point to people – in-laws inclusive – to mind their dang business. Never mind the standards society tries to impose on women in countries like Nigeria. Anyways, this is probably not a consideration for a feminist.

So, what if you’ve changed your surname to hubby’s and he annoys you supremely? Do you need a constant reminder such as his surname to show you are yoked to him? Well, when your parents annoy you supremely, do you change your birth surname?! Next question please!

What are your options in doing this name change sef – let’s even say you are interested?

  1. You could opt to change your surname on social media fully to husband’s own without indicating birth surname: If you are into the split personality thing I mentioned earlier, this is attractive.
  2. You could change your surname on social media to husband’s own and indicate your birth surname: If you are worried about loss of identity, you could opt for this as any search with your birth surname would lead searchers to your new identity.

You could opt to do points 1 or 2 above without changing your birth surname legally. Not sure many men would like this but at least it’s better than nothing. The whole world knows your new identity and nosey in-laws and others can go to rest. After all, there’s absolutely no reason they should see your legal documents, to know you have only made a change in form but not in substance🤥🙃

In addition to either point 1 or 2 above:

3. You can choose to change your birth surname to your husband’s surname in your legal documents. The most straight forward change would be for your bank accounts when you provide your marriage certificate and (for oversabi banks) change of name affidavit + newspaper publication of name change. If you are still undecided as to whether you are ready to take this drastic plunge – for your government IDs like driver’s licence, national ID card and international passport – you could wait till the expiration window of the current IDs and then decide if you wanna change the surname upon renewal or maintain status quo. If you choose status quo, rest assured, no one can beat you – not even your hubby😉

4. You can choose to use a double barrelled surname i.e. your birth surname hyphen (-) your husband’s surname. Similar cycle with point 3 above. Would only add that you should talk to hubby before toeing that path to be sure he’s down with the idea. Mine was open to me retaining my birth surname but insisted that if I wanted to change to his, there would be no double barrel. A double barrel with my birth surname and his is not pleasing to the eyes or ears anyways and was never part of my consideration, so I wasn’t even inclined to argue that with him (choose your battles remember?). Anyway, the point is discuss with him first and don’t just assume.

How can you change your birth surname to your husband’s surname? In some cases, all you need is your marriage certificate, some would also request for an affidavit of name change (you can get this done at a court registry or by a notary public) while some overzealous ones would also request for a newspaper publication reflecting the name change.

What if God forbid, the marriage ends? Are you stuck with his surname for life? Your choice. You can retain it for life and he can’t even force you to drop it. Or you can go back to your birth surname.

Bottomline, it’s all your decision to make, and whatever you choose, own it with your full chest. But IMO, you have more to gain than lose in changing your birth surname to your husband’s own post-marriage even as a feminist.

Happy Val’s btw.

Best,

Fola

*image credit: http://www.google.com